While it's clear to me...
More than anything, I want to fall in love. And I want it to work. I want to be head-over-heels with someone I'm truly attracted to and comfortable with; someone who will be my helper and who will bring me closer to God than I could ever get on my own. In spite of all the other relationships I see around me crumbling, I have total, unflinching faith in a successful, monogamous, Godly relationship with a special woman.
Second to that, I want to make an impact in this world that I can feel; something to let me know I'm doing all that I can. And I never want to feel that there's nothing I can do to get through to someone. ...Yet I know it's going to happen one day; honestly, it's happening even as I speak. In such case, I ask that my feelings be proven DEAD wrong in the end.
At 26-going-on-27, I want to fulfil my role as a stable man. But I want to do so without compromising my commitment to changing the world. I don't want to live a life surrounded by a 'white-picket-fence'; I want to be useful and active wherever I am. I want my family safe and secure, but I don't want to be isolated or disconnected from the people. I want to have enough provision to keep my family comfortable, but enough also to lend a hand to whoever might be in need around me.
As a teacher, I want to keep my students--- my kids--- as happy as can be; the ones who make my day easier with their hard work, love, creativity, and respect. And especially the ones who come to school every day just to escape the hardships they find at home. ...And, yes, even some of the clowns who give me hell in 6th period. Because, if I was in their shoes--- lacking the right kind of influences, the right kind of foundational values--- I'd probably act ignant too. Also, may I continue to have the time and freedom to spend with my kids, on and off campus, to help them develop into better people.
And--- not to say that teaching isn't my calling--- but I'd like the freedom and assets to delve into other mediums as well. I'm a musician and a writer when I'm not on campus, and I'd like to be able to maximize my potential in those two areas as much, if not more, than in teaching. I enjoy them, get a lot of personal satisfaction from them, and find them to be constant challenges to my creativity and expressive ability.
Overall, I want to carve out a lifestyle where I can be of Godly influence and good use to my wife, my children, my students, and my community. And I want to manage things well enough that I don't overwhelm myself, but instead grow up rooted in strength like my dad and my grandfather and my uncles and cousins.
...That felt good. I don't pray like I should, and when I do pray, I often can't think of what to pray for. This list should make a good reference point from now on.
Sumn like dat.
11.4.10
1.1.10
Monochrome, 12/29/09
A black sheep's sweater, trimmed in white
With Stacy Adams leather, stitched in the like
Sterling herringbone tucked out of sight
Up my sleeve, watch closely... hidden from light
See? It's not so bad with no color spectrum
Though I look into a mirror for reflections
Of your reds, blues, yellows and greens
As if my future will lack color screens
I think I saw you today; now, I need to know
You seemed quite happy with him and, if so
I can survive my winter world of night and grey
---You have a bright sun and his light of day
With Stacy Adams leather, stitched in the like
Sterling herringbone tucked out of sight
Up my sleeve, watch closely... hidden from light
See? It's not so bad with no color spectrum
Though I look into a mirror for reflections
Of your reds, blues, yellows and greens
As if my future will lack color screens
I think I saw you today; now, I need to know
You seemed quite happy with him and, if so
I can survive my winter world of night and grey
---You have a bright sun and his light of day
19.11.09
Crazed and Fearful
They're not 'independent'. Oftentimes, they're not even really 'lesbians'. They're afraid; more than anything else, they're afraid. But they're not the possessed victims of some wild, unreasonable terror; actually, their fear is very rational. As rational as the fear and respect for authority that is trained into a child by the use of corporal punishment; you see, they're afraid of being hurt.
What it all comes down to is simple conditioning: when you experience enough trauma, you shy away from whatever you deem to be the source of that trauma. Even animals learn to stay away from sources of discomfort and pain; it's an integral part of survival. So if a man hurts a woman... and then another man hurts that same woman... and then another man hurts that same woman... eventually, that woman will come to associate hurt and suffering with all men.
To men like myself, who strive to be the antithesis to all the hurt and suffering, this association is undoubtedly unfair... but still not irrational. You don't have to get cut by every knife in the kitchen to learn to avoid sharp objects; just get cut deep enough once. After that, you could even go into someone else's kitchen, and still know to be wary of the sharp objects in there. The real tragedy lies in the fact that the knives in the kitchen were never meant to cut anyone in the first place; they were created to serve.
And so were men. Men were never put here to hurt women. Yet, how do you convince a woman of this when hurt at the hands of men is all that she's ever known? Does it really matter what was "meant" to happen if it's not actually happening?...
...It does matter! Because having the knowledge of what was meant to happen is what keeps hope alive and keeps standards high. See, when a woman knows that men were created to serve--- to be kind and courteous and loving and faithful--- then that's the kind of man that that woman will seek out. And she won't settle for anything less; surrender only comes in the face of hopelessness. Unfortunately, the fear that has been engendered in our society causes women to lower their expectations of men--- many times, to abandon their hope in men altogether.
It's a devastating type of fear, because it's a fear that works toward the unraveling of society itself; the family is the cornerstone of society, and the abandonment of the male-female relationship--- the relationship that naturally enables and facilitates procreation--- is, if not literally, symbolically representative of the abandonment of the institution of family itself. What's more tragic is that, unfortunately, this fear is almost justified; it's a fear that, if one were to simply observe the world around her, one would always find some reason to cling to.
And a fear like this may only be undone only with a special kind of courage.
"Women are CRAZY..." I hear the fellas say that a lot. Me, I don't like to call it 'crazy'; I call it the normal, human, rational reaction to crazy circumstances. Truth be told, if anybody's crazy, it's the people [like me] who look at the insanity of it all and say, "...This actually makes perfect sense, when you really think about it." If you can find reason in and comfortably navigate the world at its most crazed... does that not make you crazy too? Or when good sense and reason no longer apply, is it not more reasonable to become unreasonable? An upside down book is no good unless one of two things happens: either the book gets flipped rightside-up, or you get on a handstand and read it as it is. Like you're crazy.
...Makes ya think, right. And, as an educator, that's all I'm really here for :-/
What it all comes down to is simple conditioning: when you experience enough trauma, you shy away from whatever you deem to be the source of that trauma. Even animals learn to stay away from sources of discomfort and pain; it's an integral part of survival. So if a man hurts a woman... and then another man hurts that same woman... and then another man hurts that same woman... eventually, that woman will come to associate hurt and suffering with all men.
To men like myself, who strive to be the antithesis to all the hurt and suffering, this association is undoubtedly unfair... but still not irrational. You don't have to get cut by every knife in the kitchen to learn to avoid sharp objects; just get cut deep enough once. After that, you could even go into someone else's kitchen, and still know to be wary of the sharp objects in there. The real tragedy lies in the fact that the knives in the kitchen were never meant to cut anyone in the first place; they were created to serve.
And so were men. Men were never put here to hurt women. Yet, how do you convince a woman of this when hurt at the hands of men is all that she's ever known? Does it really matter what was "meant" to happen if it's not actually happening?...
...It does matter! Because having the knowledge of what was meant to happen is what keeps hope alive and keeps standards high. See, when a woman knows that men were created to serve--- to be kind and courteous and loving and faithful--- then that's the kind of man that that woman will seek out. And she won't settle for anything less; surrender only comes in the face of hopelessness. Unfortunately, the fear that has been engendered in our society causes women to lower their expectations of men--- many times, to abandon their hope in men altogether.
It's a devastating type of fear, because it's a fear that works toward the unraveling of society itself; the family is the cornerstone of society, and the abandonment of the male-female relationship--- the relationship that naturally enables and facilitates procreation--- is, if not literally, symbolically representative of the abandonment of the institution of family itself. What's more tragic is that, unfortunately, this fear is almost justified; it's a fear that, if one were to simply observe the world around her, one would always find some reason to cling to.
And a fear like this may only be undone only with a special kind of courage.
"Women are CRAZY..." I hear the fellas say that a lot. Me, I don't like to call it 'crazy'; I call it the normal, human, rational reaction to crazy circumstances. Truth be told, if anybody's crazy, it's the people [like me] who look at the insanity of it all and say, "...This actually makes perfect sense, when you really think about it." If you can find reason in and comfortably navigate the world at its most crazed... does that not make you crazy too? Or when good sense and reason no longer apply, is it not more reasonable to become unreasonable? An upside down book is no good unless one of two things happens: either the book gets flipped rightside-up, or you get on a handstand and read it as it is. Like you're crazy.
...Makes ya think, right. And, as an educator, that's all I'm really here for :-/
14.11.09
To The Heroic Couplets...
We are nothing. We, the "revolutionaries", the "militants", the "activists". We're nobodies. We're only assistants; sidekicks to the true soldiers. Caddies to the Tigers that have the capacity to change the world.
In this society, the real heroes aren't the ones who go strategizing and pointing fingers and making noise. We play our parts, yes, but we alone have about the same significance as a microphone with no voice attached. Or dryer sheets without a washing machine to first clean the clothes.
The REAL heroes... well, it's not hard to figure it out. I mean, once you recognize that the number one problem in our society is the disintegration of the family, most of which is stemming from the lack of manhood in our men. You see, that disintegration is the reason our women are so distrusting and bitter and hopeless. Why our children are so undisciplined and hellbent.
You want to talk heroes? We should have a day set aside to recognize the husbands and wives that have "made it"; I call them "heroic couplets". The ones that have remained faithful to God and each other. Built stable households. Maintained decent employment. Shown their children love and taught them respect and fear of the Lord. All the while, becoming more and more unified as couples with each triumph and shortfall. That's the ONLY thing worth mentioning when you talk about heroes. Because, without them, there's really nothing else worth saving; nothing left for other "heroes" to preserve.
I say and do nothing more than what I feel--- what I KNOW--- should already have been said and done inside of homes throughout this nation and world. When I step out into the world every day, I go in ready for combat. But when I set foot in my cousin's house--- my cousin who, by the grace and guidance of Jesus Christ, is successfully maintaining a household with his wife and four children--- I humble myself. I'm in the presence of a true king, and for all my swashbuckling, I'm not REMOTELY on that level of heroism.
It's not that I'm attempting to devalue the struggle of the "fighters" out there; but I don't want us to lose sight of what's important. At the end of the day, none of this supplementary stuff will remain standing. It's all an improvisation until our society remembers what was originally written into the script.
None of us--- free-radicals with no attachments--- has to be the one to teach our daughters how to be chaste women in spite of the easy-come, easy-go girls that she sees on a regular basis. None of us has to be the one to teach our sons how to prefer hard, honest work to dirty money. And sure, as a school teacher, I have my moments where I get to shed light with the youth I teach. But at the end of the day, if they fall by the wayside, it's not a reflection on me. I've only had them a semester or two: the blame has to fall on the ones who have had them from birth.
...If that's even been the case. Because, Lord knows, these kids get "new parents" like I used to get new shoes. That's why I laugh when I hear people say, "Discipline or not, you can't control how your kids come out." Doesn't one kinda have to BE IN THEIR CHILDREN'S LIVES CONSISTENTLY to say what a parent can and can't control? Everyone speaks so much of how things work and don't work. But when the vast majority of households are officially broken, I think only the Originator has the right to say how it's supposed to work.
"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6
Yeah... that's what I thought You said. He who has only flunked math shall not instruct others on how math shall be done. I'm getting off track...
Heroic is the word I use to describe those who still stand for the very cornerstone of this society--- the family. Not just the white-haired ones who have made it, but also the young marriages who are determined to get to that point. And not just they who are striving, but the teens and young adults who are planning for such a time. Those of us, like myself, who are hesitating and getting as close to God as we can, because we know all that's at stake, and we want to make dead sure we're ready for the commitment.
When I get done releasing all this angst outta my system, I only hope to be a great husband and father. And I wish my children to become the arrows in my quiver for the betterment of this world, the way God originally ordered it.
In this society, the real heroes aren't the ones who go strategizing and pointing fingers and making noise. We play our parts, yes, but we alone have about the same significance as a microphone with no voice attached. Or dryer sheets without a washing machine to first clean the clothes.
The REAL heroes... well, it's not hard to figure it out. I mean, once you recognize that the number one problem in our society is the disintegration of the family, most of which is stemming from the lack of manhood in our men. You see, that disintegration is the reason our women are so distrusting and bitter and hopeless. Why our children are so undisciplined and hellbent.
You want to talk heroes? We should have a day set aside to recognize the husbands and wives that have "made it"; I call them "heroic couplets". The ones that have remained faithful to God and each other. Built stable households. Maintained decent employment. Shown their children love and taught them respect and fear of the Lord. All the while, becoming more and more unified as couples with each triumph and shortfall. That's the ONLY thing worth mentioning when you talk about heroes. Because, without them, there's really nothing else worth saving; nothing left for other "heroes" to preserve.
I say and do nothing more than what I feel--- what I KNOW--- should already have been said and done inside of homes throughout this nation and world. When I step out into the world every day, I go in ready for combat. But when I set foot in my cousin's house--- my cousin who, by the grace and guidance of Jesus Christ, is successfully maintaining a household with his wife and four children--- I humble myself. I'm in the presence of a true king, and for all my swashbuckling, I'm not REMOTELY on that level of heroism.
It's not that I'm attempting to devalue the struggle of the "fighters" out there; but I don't want us to lose sight of what's important. At the end of the day, none of this supplementary stuff will remain standing. It's all an improvisation until our society remembers what was originally written into the script.
None of us--- free-radicals with no attachments--- has to be the one to teach our daughters how to be chaste women in spite of the easy-come, easy-go girls that she sees on a regular basis. None of us has to be the one to teach our sons how to prefer hard, honest work to dirty money. And sure, as a school teacher, I have my moments where I get to shed light with the youth I teach. But at the end of the day, if they fall by the wayside, it's not a reflection on me. I've only had them a semester or two: the blame has to fall on the ones who have had them from birth.
...If that's even been the case. Because, Lord knows, these kids get "new parents" like I used to get new shoes. That's why I laugh when I hear people say, "Discipline or not, you can't control how your kids come out." Doesn't one kinda have to BE IN THEIR CHILDREN'S LIVES CONSISTENTLY to say what a parent can and can't control? Everyone speaks so much of how things work and don't work. But when the vast majority of households are officially broken, I think only the Originator has the right to say how it's supposed to work.
"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6
Yeah... that's what I thought You said. He who has only flunked math shall not instruct others on how math shall be done. I'm getting off track...
Heroic is the word I use to describe those who still stand for the very cornerstone of this society--- the family. Not just the white-haired ones who have made it, but also the young marriages who are determined to get to that point. And not just they who are striving, but the teens and young adults who are planning for such a time. Those of us, like myself, who are hesitating and getting as close to God as we can, because we know all that's at stake, and we want to make dead sure we're ready for the commitment.
When I get done releasing all this angst outta my system, I only hope to be a great husband and father. And I wish my children to become the arrows in my quiver for the betterment of this world, the way God originally ordered it.
11.11.09
A Place for You
It's suicide to give up on love. How could you make a decision like that. You've been hurt before? Okay, fine. But you've also settled for less than you're worth time and again, have you not? You've tried to charm snakes into princes. And I love your foolish heart for that... but we don't always get what we wish for just for wishing it.
...And now you say you're finished with men; but you use that title, 'men', far too liberally. You're used to romances where you find yourself taken advantage of and abused and neglected, but NO REAL MAN BEHAVES THAT WAY! Yet, here you are, ready to leave it all behind, 'switching sides' and such. While I stand here before you, my arms open wide, just dying to be your healer; to be your first 'man' and to be the last 'man' you'll ever need. You're not being fair to me...
So, maybe your thing is that, in some capacity, you're missing some father figure in your life. Maybe he walked out on you; maybe he's passed on to eternity; maybe he wasn't the father he should've been or was abusive to you. So you do the natural thing and react--- you hate to be alone, bouncing from relationship to relationship in search of that male acceptance. Or maybe, after so many ordeals, you go to the opposite extreme and shy away from men totally, fearing that male presence. Believing us all to be counterfeits cut from the same mold. Listening only to your experiences--- or maybe your mother's. Maybe your homegirls'...
...And now you say you're finished with men; but you use that title, 'men', far too liberally. You're used to romances where you find yourself taken advantage of and abused and neglected, but NO REAL MAN BEHAVES THAT WAY! Yet, here you are, ready to leave it all behind, 'switching sides' and such. While I stand here before you, my arms open wide, just dying to be your healer; to be your first 'man' and to be the last 'man' you'll ever need. You're not being fair to me...
So, maybe your thing is that, in some capacity, you're missing some father figure in your life. Maybe he walked out on you; maybe he's passed on to eternity; maybe he wasn't the father he should've been or was abusive to you. So you do the natural thing and react--- you hate to be alone, bouncing from relationship to relationship in search of that male acceptance. Or maybe, after so many ordeals, you go to the opposite extreme and shy away from men totally, fearing that male presence. Believing us all to be counterfeits cut from the same mold. Listening only to your experiences--- or maybe your mother's. Maybe your homegirls'...
I understand all of that.
Now I want you to understand something else: you think you have no father to rely on, when the truth is, you only have a Father that you've never met. I know Him, and he's a Father that the two of us can share. I could introduce you; I know He would love to have you, too. There's a higher standard at work here; a greater love than all the loves you've known to this point. And, while I'm certainly not perfect, I'm determined to show you as much of that perfect love as I can. I'm not listening to my friends, or to this society, or to my feelings, or even to my own earthly dad... I'm listening to that Father of all fathers. And He's telling me how to love you just right. What's left to fear...
Life is short, and I'm tired of myself; I want someone else to care about. Can you understand that? I want to care for you. I would like it very much. I want to nurture you out of this misery that you're so familiar with. This is no way for you to live. It's choking you from your potential. If I could only remove you from this place, where you're so deeply rooted, and put you into the garden of my heart, you'd be my only and my favorite flower. And any need you have, bring it to me, and I will attend it. More than a gardener ever could; I would be the weather itself to you. If you thirsted, I would rain on you. If you needed warmth, I would shine my light on you with the greatest gentleness. And in my coldest winters or hottest summers, I would turn my whole world on its axis just to hide the seasons from you!
Now I want you to understand something else: you think you have no father to rely on, when the truth is, you only have a Father that you've never met. I know Him, and he's a Father that the two of us can share. I could introduce you; I know He would love to have you, too. There's a higher standard at work here; a greater love than all the loves you've known to this point. And, while I'm certainly not perfect, I'm determined to show you as much of that perfect love as I can. I'm not listening to my friends, or to this society, or to my feelings, or even to my own earthly dad... I'm listening to that Father of all fathers. And He's telling me how to love you just right. What's left to fear...
Life is short, and I'm tired of myself; I want someone else to care about. Can you understand that? I want to care for you. I would like it very much. I want to nurture you out of this misery that you're so familiar with. This is no way for you to live. It's choking you from your potential. If I could only remove you from this place, where you're so deeply rooted, and put you into the garden of my heart, you'd be my only and my favorite flower. And any need you have, bring it to me, and I will attend it. More than a gardener ever could; I would be the weather itself to you. If you thirsted, I would rain on you. If you needed warmth, I would shine my light on you with the greatest gentleness. And in my coldest winters or hottest summers, I would turn my whole world on its axis just to hide the seasons from you!
I wonder... can you find it in your heart to believe me? And even so, would you ever risk losing control with me? Because I know how much control means to you; you clutch it so tightly, hellbent to never leave your feelings in the hands of another again. Nevertheless, could I convince you to surrender just one more time... for someone whose hands are washed in the love and anointing you really need?
I just wanted to let you know--- when you've had enough of the aimless searching; when you've done enough questioning and you're finally ready for real answers--- there's a place for you.
Sincerely,
Yours
I just wanted to let you know--- when you've had enough of the aimless searching; when you've done enough questioning and you're finally ready for real answers--- there's a place for you.
Sincerely,
Yours
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